It takes an article on the history of nail polish in an American fashion magazine for me to learn things about my culture, and on Chinese New Year’s Eve, no less. Maybe I should start calling myself American Chinese instead. Anyways, I did some online research (read: Google) and found some moah…

FACTOIIIDDSSSS

1. In the Zhou Dynasty, royalty wore gold or silver nail color. It was also popular for royalty to wear nail guards, like classier versions of those paper claws we made in elementary school, in the Zhou or Qing dynasty (which dynasty depends on who you ask, which is weird because they’re on opposite ends of the spectrum of imperial history). 

2. One emperor in the Sui Dynasty had one empress, three consorts, nine spouses, twenty-seven concubines, and eighty-one assistant concubines. Or as my dad would have said several years ago, assistant cucumbers. 

3. The Passion of the Sleeve, rather than a kooky parody of The Passion of the Christ, is a phrase sometimes used to refer to homosexuality because an emperor of the Han Dynasty once would rather cut off his sleeve than disturb his male consort, who was sleeping on it. 

At this point you may be able to tell that I got stuck in the section on emperor sex lives. Which, for me, is like walking in on my parents. RETREAT TO YOUR HAPPY PLACE:

4. Emperors had four-story umbrellas. Quick, a conspiracy theory - Dr. Seuss was the palace stylist for much of Chinese history. Yes, all 4000+ years of it. 

Of course, with such a vast spread of land and people, Chinese culture is so varied that there will always be a differing claim, even denial. On top of that, dynasties were greatly different from each other - I want to say they’re like the various versions of Batman, but maybe that’s too trivial an example. And it’s hard to find definitive answers all the way across the sea. So these are Fun Only pending investigation.

No one, however, should dispute New Year’s Eve celebrations. Of course I am up keeping watch against Nian (the New Year’s monster whose name is a homophone for year) with firecrackers and red paper! My dad called yesterday and told me my aunt was preparing the New Year’s Eve feast…I wish I could be there, but instead I shall eat the noodles in my pantry. The packaging shows the longevity god with an impressive beard. Spoilers: his beard is the noodles. Seeing as they’re uncut, the noodle.

Happy new year, may you have fish/fortune every year, don’t cut your noodles or you will die young! I love Chinese New Year most for the puns.